hello, old friend

Haven't thought much of this blog in AGES! Then tonight I got all caught up in reading old posts. Wow, life is crazy isn't it? Basically in every post I go on and on about how stressed out I am and how much i have to do, how i'm putting of my work, and of course how much fun I was having traveling the world.

It would seem that I'm in a totally different place just a few months later. I'm a senior now, in fact, only one more semester to go and hopefully (after I take my boards) I'll offically be Rachel deBoer BSN, RN. Wow.... YES! five letters after my name!

I haven't left the country in almost 9 months, which is weird and strangely depressing for me.. and unfortunately life has not slowed down much. I think I've realized though, that i like the fast pace that I set for myself.  Even thought I complain about my schedule and work load, without it i feel lost. 

The last few months have been incredibly stretching for me. I think I've grown a lot in several different ways. Someone recently told me that maturity is realizing that you can't have everything you want right now. I know that for some people that is not a shocking statement, in fact, they have believed it their whole life and lived by it. But not me! Of course, I have definitely had my fair share of not getting what I want when I want it, but my philosophy of life has always been seize the day. I ALWAYS seize every opportunity. I seize the CRAP out of days! I don't want to miss a single thing! I just want it all, and I want it all right now. 

So far it's worked out quite fantastically for me. I really have lived. I've lived a lot more in 23 years than some may live their whole lives. But for some reason, the last few months, I've crashed. Everything I believed in, everything I thought was true I doubted. I'm graduating in 4 months and I have no idea what the heck I want out of life. All my seizing has been fantastic, but I forgot to map out a long term plan. 

I know what I want to experience, I know that I love so, so many things, but what happens now? I can't live chasing the wind. I need to figure something out. On the outside, the last few weeks have been great. Christmas break has been filled with lots of fun times and fun people. But on the inside, I'm feeling slightly (understatement) lost. 

I don't want to be stuck. I don't want to spend my life waiting for my dreams to come true. I've never been good at waiting. 

So now it's back to trusting. I know that God has a plan. I have watched him rescue me over and over till I wonder if he will just let me go the next time. Is this time different? I don't know. It sure feels different. 

In my head i doubt. But I know, I'll be ok. My trust runs deep, deeper than even my mind can go.