It's been just over two months since my grandpa passed away. I don't know what I thought it would be like to loose someone so close to me, but I definitely did not expect the experience I'm having.
I've learned a lot about grief the last two months. I've gone through grieving periods in my life before, some even more intense than the feelings that I have now, but none have been so impacting, and life altering.
At first it was a sudden burst of inspiration. My grandpa was ( and his spirit lives on and is still!) an amazing man. He came from nothing and build his life to everything. The last week of his life and weeks after his death our whole family saturated ourselves in the legacy that he left. Telling old stories, and vicariously reliving his life. We watched videos, looked at pictures and reminisced for hours. This time with our family was more precious that anything. We grew, and continue to grow closer because of this experience and have pulled together in a way I didn't think that even our close family could.
Through the inspiration period was also many tears an shock that we were really saying goodbye for good.
But now that life has returned to it's semi-normal state, I'm settling into a new emotion. It's the memories that hit me when I'm lest expecting it, the exchanges with my grandma, packing up his old stuff with her and bringing it to a second-hand shop. It's eating breakfast at his favorite restaurant, telling his favorite joke. It's wearing his ring that I got after he died. It's everything.
But what is really life altering has been the relationship with my grandma and cousins, how I give care to my patients when I'm working at the hospital. How i want to take pictures of everything and take every moment in.
I look my own parents differently. Someday, I will have to say goodbye to them too. Do I want to have regrets or an inspirational story to tell my children?
I don't look forward to the day that I am forced to go deeper in my understanding of grief. I know so many others experience tragedy that is far, far worse than what I may every experience. I only hope that I will have the strength to endure what is required of me.
