Grandpa

It's been just over two months since my grandpa passed away. I don't know what I thought it would be like to loose someone so close to me, but I definitely did not expect the experience I'm having.

I've learned a lot about grief the last two months. I've gone through grieving periods in my life before, some even more intense than the feelings that I have now, but none have been so impacting, and life altering.

At first it was a sudden burst of inspiration. My grandpa was ( and his spirit lives on and is still!) an amazing man. He came from nothing and build his life to everything. The last week of his life and weeks after his death our whole family saturated ourselves in the legacy that he left. Telling old stories, and vicariously reliving his life. We watched videos, looked at pictures and reminisced for hours. This time with our family was more precious that anything. We grew, and continue to grow closer because of this experience and have pulled together in a way I didn't think that even our close family could.

Through the inspiration period was also many tears an shock that we were really saying goodbye for good.

But now that life has returned to it's semi-normal state, I'm settling into a new emotion. It's the memories that hit me when I'm lest expecting it, the exchanges with my grandma, packing up his old stuff with her and bringing it to a second-hand shop. It's eating breakfast at his favorite restaurant, telling his favorite joke. It's wearing his ring that I got after he died. It's everything.

But what is really life altering has been the relationship with my grandma and cousins, how I give care to my patients when I'm working at the hospital. How i want to take pictures of everything and take every moment in.

I look my own parents differently. Someday, I will have to say goodbye to them too. Do I want to have regrets or an inspirational story to tell my children?

I don't look forward to the day that I am forced to go deeper in my understanding of grief. I know so many others experience tragedy that is far, far worse than what I may every experience. I only hope that I will have the strength to endure what is required of me.

hello, old friend

Haven't thought much of this blog in AGES! Then tonight I got all caught up in reading old posts. Wow, life is crazy isn't it? Basically in every post I go on and on about how stressed out I am and how much i have to do, how i'm putting of my work, and of course how much fun I was having traveling the world.

It would seem that I'm in a totally different place just a few months later. I'm a senior now, in fact, only one more semester to go and hopefully (after I take my boards) I'll offically be Rachel deBoer BSN, RN. Wow.... YES! five letters after my name!

I haven't left the country in almost 9 months, which is weird and strangely depressing for me.. and unfortunately life has not slowed down much. I think I've realized though, that i like the fast pace that I set for myself.  Even thought I complain about my schedule and work load, without it i feel lost. 

The last few months have been incredibly stretching for me. I think I've grown a lot in several different ways. Someone recently told me that maturity is realizing that you can't have everything you want right now. I know that for some people that is not a shocking statement, in fact, they have believed it their whole life and lived by it. But not me! Of course, I have definitely had my fair share of not getting what I want when I want it, but my philosophy of life has always been seize the day. I ALWAYS seize every opportunity. I seize the CRAP out of days! I don't want to miss a single thing! I just want it all, and I want it all right now. 

So far it's worked out quite fantastically for me. I really have lived. I've lived a lot more in 23 years than some may live their whole lives. But for some reason, the last few months, I've crashed. Everything I believed in, everything I thought was true I doubted. I'm graduating in 4 months and I have no idea what the heck I want out of life. All my seizing has been fantastic, but I forgot to map out a long term plan. 

I know what I want to experience, I know that I love so, so many things, but what happens now? I can't live chasing the wind. I need to figure something out. On the outside, the last few weeks have been great. Christmas break has been filled with lots of fun times and fun people. But on the inside, I'm feeling slightly (understatement) lost. 

I don't want to be stuck. I don't want to spend my life waiting for my dreams to come true. I've never been good at waiting. 

So now it's back to trusting. I know that God has a plan. I have watched him rescue me over and over till I wonder if he will just let me go the next time. Is this time different? I don't know. It sure feels different. 

In my head i doubt. But I know, I'll be ok. My trust runs deep, deeper than even my mind can go. 

Hm....

If these are the worst things in my life.... than I must have it pretty dang good!


ps. I love you

It's been awhile

Hello again!
It's been awhile since my last post and for lots of good reasons! I've been extremely occupied with finals, moving back home for the summer and hosting a group of friends for 10 days that just basically changed my life! Seriously this week has been incredible. I don't even know where to start! The week ended with an amazing Jake Hamilton concert that rocked me in so many ways! The freedom in the room was incredible! His words were so inspired and his passion so un-containable! You just wanted to dance with your whole soul.

But the most meaningful thing that I learned this week is the need for community, not just friend, but friends who are family. There's a difference between being with people and living with them. There's a richness in staying up late, drinking tea and coffee, watching movies, making breakfast together and squishing in the back seat of cars. The difference is community. Learning one another's heart and loving them. It's just so beautiful!

Saying goodbye is the hard part!

Muy felize is me

Three exams down, two more to go! Can't believe it's already the last week of school. Can't wait for summer!

Anyway, I'm especially, super excited for the end of the week cause Friday Angie and Steven fly in!  Yea I'm pretty excited (as you can tell). Angie is one of my very best friends from New Zealand and she's freaking awesome! So anyway, her and her brother are coming to town for a fun filled week of whatever the heck we want! basically I can't wait.

Hopefully I'll take pictures. I probably will.
Oh and did I mention I only have two more finals left?

Yeah, I'm excited.

Just when I'm doin' ok...

It seems just when I'm doing okay with being here: with school, life, home, Chicago. Just when I'm finally fine...

I get bit by that awful bug, and I just wanna leave and go anywhere. I read a blog, see a picture, watch a movie, and I get those butterflies that come with the adrenaline rush of adventure, followed by a pit in my stomach.... and then I listen to some sad music and feel almost better because I can vicariously live my life through a song:

Worst things list

I hate going to bed! It's horrible. On my list of the worst things in life are:

 1) cleaning the cat's litter box  ( r.i.p. socks deboer )

 2) doing laundry 

 3) going to bed

I don't know why particularly, cause none of those things are HORRIBLE per-se. But I just put them off as long as I possibly can. 

So tonight I'm sitting here alone (everyone else is sleeping) avoiding sleep. 

Sometimes when I get in moods like this I watch seasons of One tree hill and Gilmore Girls till the sun comes up, sometimes I write blog posts or journal, play solitaire or look through facebook pictures for hours. After a while my eyes start burning and I can't keep them open anymore. Then sleep overtakes me and i give in. 

It's a weird life. 

So until tomorrow.... 

hehe, me and my niece, isn't she cute?